A life less examined

Death by Gravity

2009-06-02T11:10:00.000-07:00

"He doesn't seem to get it, does he?"
He does now. Just a bit slow with the big picture.
Whether a tree falls to the south or to the north,
in the place where it falls, there will it lie.
The law applies in Gethsemane too.
Tragic, but lovely.

For there is nothing unique or peculiar
about the final act of life
that makes it determinative
in validating or nullifying our salvation.

The final season of faith
with all its battles and failures
is not the only season of faith
that will bear witness in the
Last Day that we were born again.

The Absurd and The Fall

2009-03-22T08:10:00.000-07:00

It doesn't matter, if
you should believe further.
In a little while, no
sympathies are needed.
The spirit bloweth, and
is still, to rekindle
what was started, the great
absurd, and then the fall.

Heaviness

2008-10-21T20:07:00.000-07:00

I saw the The Hour by Philip Glass on youtube,
and I like it very much.
It is a very stirring recital.
It gives me a comforting sense of self-defeat.
Comforting because the feeling is real.
Self-defeating because what I'm feeling maybe a chimera.

Familiarity

2008-10-10T09:47:00.000-07:00

Two months ago, I felt that I was like a fish, swimming in a tank of glue. I decided to make a minor adjustment in my life and started going to school. I asked Sani for the locker keys, and transferred my books, notes, stationery to the graduate room.

I've been going to school everyday. And will be back by midnight to watch a bit of tv and then it's off to bed. A simple existence. I like it that way. The air feels less saturated when I wake up.

The canteen coffee is a tad acidic, but it's cheap. In fact, it's kind of turning into a regular comfort drink for me. I will fill up a plastic cup and bring it to the grad room every 3pm. I refuse to use the paper cup for environmental purposes.

I like familiarity.

I'm trying to catch up a bit on news now. I think news is important. I need to maintain my awareness of current affairs and not be overly drawn into the familiarity of reading philosophy and drinking acidic coffee. The recession seems bleak, but I think it should rebound by the second half of next year. I can try to pray that into being.

I'm thinking of making another minor adjustment in my life. Maybe I'll bring my camera along with me everyday. I need to capture a few memories. Maybe I'm afraid that I will lose the feeling of familiarity someday. Familiarity with friends, myself and with places. Even with items like leaves, tickets and benches. Photography serves that purpose for me now. Not visual memories, but emotional ones.

The Lake

2008-08-23T10:36:00.000-07:00

We had a gathering at a church friend's apartment. I left late.

Missed the last train at the interchange, and tried to catch the last random bus that would bring me closest to home.

Bus 78 didn't follow the route that I was expecting. So I dropped along Penjuru. I think that's the name of the road.
Before me was quite a serene sight to behold. It was ordinary yet out of the ordinary.

The lake was placid, and there wasn't a single soul.
I could hear my thoughts, sequencing themselves - gently and melodically - with the patter of raindrops against the gravels.
I thought about my trip to Europe, the familiar and the foreign, the imaginary and the imagined, the hit and the misses, the quietness in the Metro station, haribo, the summer sundaes, and the train ride into the forest. And the lake!

I'm drifting away into an emotional ensemble of nostalgia and brokenness,
each trying to relief the other,
together a crescendo, and then - inevitably - a morendo.

Paper, poems and photos.
That's a good idea, for my final rendition.

Leaving

2008-08-21T12:08:00.001-07:00

Over at the arts canteen yesterday.

"Don't you want to get out of Singapore?"

"Not yet..."

"Why?"

"I... got things to do here," I remarked.

It was quite a reflexive answer. I guess I meant what I said.
I can imagine myself living vicariously forever.

Togetherness

2008-08-02T09:02:00.000-07:00

There was a photo of us, that I enjoyed looking from time to time.
I clipped it to my notebook, and was carrying it around for a while.
Frankly speaking, I've never quite recovered from that day we took that photo.
It immortalized a togetherness that I knew on foresight (or should I say hindsight?) would not last.

I remembered that day when I sat on a bench.
It was late morning, and the park was quite empty,
not just of people, but of sound and colors.
The hope that I had been searching for was turning into a myth.
I unclipped the photo, left it on the bench, and walked away.

"Self-preservation," I thought to myself - a rather naive sort of psychological self-therapy.

Indeed, the thoughtless declaration of self-preservation has been nothing more than an artifice, as I searched within myself.

You see, it's not exactly the memories that are wearing down my defenses against your personality.
What I've found in my dream-like abyss is a joy shared between us that doesn't exist.
Perhaps if time is less unforgiving, this joy might be given a chance.

I suppose it doesn't have to be that way. Joy will find us somehow, though not shared between us. And then,
I'll return to the different places that we've been, to breathe in the nostalgia of a togetherness long forgotten, and wander in the tender fragility of a story that can only be for our exclusive perusal.

When Life imitates Art: On Internal Consistency

2008-07-28T22:22:00.000-07:00

We lived in different layers, but I suppose
there aren't too many jangles or confusion.
I surveyed myself, speculated the elements,
and realized that I've been internally consistent after all.
This dream without an end becomes clearer, as
Time spirals itself out of context.
Like a polyphony that we delight in,
your melodic presence suffuses
a lovely uneasiness of autumn and winter colors.
Without inquiring its nature and cause,
life as Art prefaces a deeper metaphysical sound
in Life beyond.
May faith consume me,
as I immerse into my internally consistent world.

Lightness

2008-06-12T00:13:00.000-07:00

Melancholia is when the world is a ceaseless cacophony of meaningless chatter, therein the mind experiences a heavy silence. The mind transfixes a certain gaze in its critical reality. It is through this gaze by which I've found myself staring into an uneasy coexistence of lightness and grayness.

Speechless

2008-05-01T20:21:00.000-07:00

I couldn't express myself well that night.
But I haven't been cogent in my thoughts at all.
I'll find the rhythm in my speech again.

Postbox

2008-04-23T09:26:00.000-07:00

On the road
with a crumbly note.
Thoughts on a hill,
that returned the summer in you.
Sunshine rays,
on a dusty yard;
hours' worth of dreams succumbed.

Finding a gap in a rusted green box.
My life in a minute's word
of hopeful suffer.
A squirrel stumbled, trees spiraled, the flowers quarreled.

Like melted chocolate in an oven platter,
the message finally, but foolishly, baked.
Therein a tale ended,
a warm sincere hope half-sheltered.
To find you well,
and nothing else.

An Autumn Wind in a Winter Night

2008-04-13T19:14:00.001-07:00

I can hear my footsteps on the cobblestone.
My time a misty fog.
Where we came from,
once painted with yellow lilies and scented tulips,
has now dissolved into a surreal silence.
The wintry chill is cold and sharp.
I see a signpost, and ponder at the empty words.
Where are you? I sigh...
I rest on a bench, next to a white picket fence.
It is time to dream, of tulips in an autumn wind.
Snow is falling, the perfume is dying,
but my dreamy world is full of warmth, and of truth and colors.
I'll wake up again,
with a language that can understand those empty words.
We'll be good again,
even though for now,
we can't see beyond,
in our surreal misty fog.

a minted moroccan night

2008-02-24T06:44:00.000-08:00

A murmur of spring that awakens a falling night,
of a fountain heart beneath the singing cloud.
A leaf through a floating moment,
of ginger lime and minted moroccan.
Like a deluded moon,
in a peaceful night
that was still and nice.

The Kite Runner

2008-01-31T12:58:00.000-08:00

It was only a smile, nothing more. It didn't make everything all right. It didn't make anything all right. Only a smile. A tiny thing. A leaf in the woods, shaking in the wake of a startled bird's flight.

But I'll take it. With open arms. Because when spring comes, it melts the snow one flake at a time, and maybe I just witnessed the first flake melting.

I ran. A grown man running with a swarm of screaming children. But I didn't care. I ran with the wind blowing in my face, and a smile as wide as the Valley of Panjsher on my lips.

I ran.

"The Kite Runner" by Khaled Hosseini.

I've put the book aside for a while, but spent the last 5 hours finishing up the last 200 pages of it. My heart really goes out for Sohrab. I don't know if Amir will ever forgive himself, although I think he has found "a way to be good again". Redemption, childhood memories, and innocence are all weaved into a heart wrenching but deeply honest story. I can't quite pinpoint how this book has impacted me, but I guess it has helped me to treasure friendships and loyalties even more. Loyalty is hard to find in this city... perhaps because we are easily distracted by the spectacles of city life. On a lighter note, I hope I can visit that part of the world, someday in my life.

Tristan

2008-01-05T08:35:00.000-08:00

I don't want to change.
I'm still the same.
That is all that I can.

So draw in the seas,
cross your heart,
close your fist,
out of the sighs,
into agony,
into nothing.
Just me,
into nothing.
me.

You.

Childhood

2007-12-24T00:24:00.000-08:00

Eternity is nothing
but the redemption of time,
its return to innocence,
and its transformation into space.

Whenever the last words of your voice
have left me,
I wish you could stay
for another moment.

But it was my dreams
that were stupid and wrong-headed.
I've been listless for a while,
as I succumbed to a dull maze of error
I had made of my life.
I'm just glad that you are around,
even though I mess things up
a thousand times over.

In eternity there is
never a moment lost,
as time stretches itself into
nostalgia and untold sentimentalities.
So in this season of thanksgiving,
I just want to say
I am thankful for this
Strange and wonderful gift of friendship;
I am thankful for you.
Merry Christmas and
may all your dreams come true

Drifting away

2007-12-03T08:50:00.000-08:00

I guess that is how it works.

Empty Handed

2007-11-25T06:53:00.000-08:00

Last night, while trying to sleep, I thought to myself how 2007 has been. Well, if there can be a word to summarize it, it is 'defeated'. I can't pinpoint why and where, but I guess I do feel defeated in many aspects. And there is this will-less, senseless, and powerless surrender to Him. I suppose 'lousy' surrender is better than no surrender to the sovereign Lord. I told a couple of friends that I just want to wrap up 2007 with the coming exam paper and then quietly pass through December. I guess during cell time today, which is the last time we are gathering together for the year, and also the last time I'll be their cluster leader, I could have put in a bit more effort to wrap up the year and share with them my hopes and dreams for them. I'm really thankful for the excellent leadership of Kwang How, June, Boon, John, Wayon, Abramham, Hewlett, Yue-yi and Lisa for the past few years. Somehow couldn't quite turn my appreciation into proper words. Maybe I'll take December slowly to write some sincere thanksgiving cards.

Here I am
Humbled by your Majesty,
Covered by your grace so free
Here I am
Knowing I'm a sinful man
Covered by the blood of the Lamb
Now I've found
the greatest love of all
is mine since you laid down your life
The greatest sacrifice

Majesty, majesty
Your grace has found me just as I am:
empty handed but alive in your hands

Here I am
humbled by the love that you give
forgiven so I can forgive
Here I stand
Knowing that I'm your desire
Sanctified by Glory and Fire

Now I've found
the greatest love of all
is mine since you Laid down your life
the greatest sacrifice

Majesty, Majesty
Your grace has found me just as I am
empty handed but alive in your hands

Majesty Majesty
Forever I am changed by your love
in the presence of your Majesty
Majesty

Hermann Hesse

2007-11-20T18:28:00.000-08:00

On Art and War:

'Yes,' said I, 'what we are doing is probably mad, and probably it is good and necessary all the same. It is not a good thing when man overstains his reason and tries to reduce to rational order matters that are not susceptible of rational treatment. Then there are ideals such as those of the Americans or of the Bosheviks. Both are extraordinarily rational, and both lead to a frightful oppression and impoverishment of life, because they simplify it so crudely. The likeness of man, once a high ideal, is in process of becoming a machine-made article. It is for madmen like us, perhaps, to ennoble it again.'

With a laugh Gustav replied: 'You talk like a book, my boy. It is a pleasure and a privilege to drink at such a fount of wisdom. And perhaps there is even something in what you say. But now kindly re-load your piece. You are rather too dreamy for my taste. Any moment may bring a few buck, and we cannot kill them with philosophy. We must have bullets in our barrels.'

The God of Small Things

2007-10-13T10:01:00.000-07:00

I believe that God is concerned about the small things in life too. There is much innocence in the small things - the stray cat and the little forests here and there in our concrete jungle. Perhaps when we can slow down and enjoy the small things in life, we can be deeply strengthened and encouraged to face the big things in this world.

Sunday Morning

2007-09-15T16:34:00.000-07:00

I had a nice dream last night. Better write it down before another week resumes...

And it's okay if you have go away
Oh just remember the telephone works both ways
And if I never ever hear them ring
If nothing else I'll think the bells inside
Have finally found you someone else and that's okay
Cause I'll remember everything you sang

Jason Mraz - You and I Both

Thought of the Day: Creation

2007-09-13T15:44:00.000-07:00

"He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities - all things were created through him and for him. And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together. And he is the head of the body, the church. He is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, that in everything he might be preeminent. For in him all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether on earth or in heaven, making peace by the blood of his cross. And you, who once were alienated and hostile in mind, doing evil deeds, he has now reconciled in his body of flesh by his death, in order to present you holy and blameless and above reproach before him, if indeed you continue in the faith, stable and steadfast, not shifting from the hope of the gospel that you heard, which has been proclaimed in all creation under heaven, and of which I, Paul, became a minister." Colossians 1:15-23

With a bit of paragraphing, this passage does have a chronological flow in literary sense. It is about the hope for all Christians when Church history comes to an end.

'Old' Creation: Genesis; Christ as the "firstborn of all [over] creation".

"He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities - all things were created through him and for him. And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together. And he is the head of the body, the church..."

New Creation: Resurrection; Christ is the "firstborn from the dead". As promised, the 'firstborn' won't be the last. We who will soon be "dead", or in my humble view, already "dead", will be born again one day.

"...He is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, that in everything he might be preeminent. For in him all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether on earth or in heaven, making peace by the blood of his cross."

Church History from Old to New Creation: "And you"; what it means for me as participants in this process that Christ's death has enabled and started.

"And you, who once were alienated and hostile in mind, doing evil deeds, he has now reconciled in his body of flesh by his death, in order to present you holy and blameless and above reproach before him, if indeed you continue in the faith, stable and steadfast, not shifting from the hope of the gospel that you heard, which has been proclaimed in all creation under heaven, and of which I, Paul, became a minister."

Sometimes, I do wish that He will just come down and kickstart the whole process of a new order. Sometimes, I wish my life span is shorter so that I can leave this world in which I have been an alienated, hostile, and sinful member of. I'm reminded that there is great hope in the gospel, that if I keep my faith in Him, I will be presented to him holy and blameless one day. No more business with this sinful flesh, this embodied self. I'll eventually be free someday.

Thought of the Day: Confidence

2007-09-06T13:34:00.000-07:00

"Go your way; behold, I am sending you out as lambs in the midst of wolves... Behold, I have given you authority to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy, and nothing shall hurt you." Luke 10:3, 19

Maybe I'm influenced by what I study, but I like to think how the wolves think. Not just in terms of missionary works per se, but in how this secular world operates in general; its culture, values, principles, rules, norms, embodied in bureaucracy, hierarchy, competition etc. Working out my salvation in fear and trembling involves a constant review of the world that I am born into, and the worldview that has been developed through how I have interacted with this society. But I think maybe the 'lamb' is a pretty dumb animal. It probably really doesn't think too much into the internal logic of the wolves community. Simplicity is not stupidity though, for the bible is pretty complex when I dwell into it as a form of literature, with its history, prose, poetry, parables etc. Living - by the Word - become an art. Living in a culture that overwhelms our aesthetic senses must take into consideration the Word which is full of human complexity; between God and Man, and within Man himself. My faculties and nerves are dead if I let this society take control of my hands to do the things that it wants me to do, through the ideas of 'rationality' and 'logic'. Art is dead without the Word. If the Word promises a sense of confidence in the midst of the wolves, it just might be possible to simplify life without stupefying it.

Thought of the Day: Faith

2007-09-04T08:12:00.000-07:00

Was it in the bible which says that faith is trusting in God in things that have yet to be seen or heard? While walking back home today, I thought maybe faith, in this new age, is to trust in God despite of things that I have seen and heard. We bear with us many assumptions and historical baggages since we were young. And sometimes, our worldviews are basically projections of our own assumptions. So maybe we have seen bad marriages, experienced disappointing moments with God, or heard about the irrelevancy of Christianity in modern culture. What I have internalized but sublimated as 'truths' are externalized in a indifferent attitude towards God, society, family and myself. Faith is to stand against my own assumptions. Faith is to unlearn the things that I have learnt.

A Brief History in Time

2007-08-30T06:38:00.000-07:00

How do you end a book chapter when you haven't wrote a proper introduction? This photo encapsulated words that were befitting of a decent introduction.

sunday night

2007-08-12T07:21:00.000-07:00

I was listening to this song, 'Angel', and just felt that the lyrics make perfect sense. I'm feeling a bit jaded, pulling every piece together to string a reasonable plot - church, work, research, and the inexplicable joy that brings a certain sadness. The plot crumbles from time to time. Maybe I owe my existence to a defiant despite - despite anguish, impoverishment, loneliness, weakness, and self-doubt; they have come into being at all, for reasons that I cannot explain with ordinary words. In the process, there is that bit of longing to escape into another place, an imaginary place where there is much rest, and comfort.

... so tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack
it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees...

'Angel'

It's just me

2007-05-08T06:07:00.000-07:00

It's just me. I'm sorry.

Kant once alludes that Art can only be valuable when it is no longer useful. Perhaps this cannot be truer for the human endeavor, that I am only valuable when I am no longer useful. The more I ascertain myself into Design, the more I lose meaning in Art that binds my existing reality; I become a parody and pastiche at the same time. I am a parody insofar as my past no longer stands at a critical distance from my present, but it has been drawn into a Road that I can neither hope nor embraced. I am a pastiche insofar as what constitutes my self is no more than a random collection of speech, misdeeds, and thoughts that cannot possibly have gained any significant awareness through your self. Maybe the pastiche in me has provided moments of flippancy and laughter. Yet, in a bitter irony that – to be sincerely honest – constitutes an insult to the self who is blinded by the beauty of Design, the flippancy and laughter have provided a form of affirmation and strength within the ship of fools that drives everyone into madness and civilization. I can understand Marx when he says that all that is solid will inevitably melt into air. How could I not have understood earlier as I tried to play God and reverse the dialectical truism? I stand against the tide in the hope that the air that permeates Design and Art could be concretized into an affirmative realm. Nothing could have possibly been more foolish than that. I stand looking in, understanding the struggles, as an outsider, a third person, a has-been. Therein lies the greatest chasm. How could I have let those words slipped through my fingers? The prescription of silence would have been much harder to bear, but serves as a reminder of the chasm that negates and affirms all at once. Kandinsky says that Art should be about its own form; the independence from the world is the central subject of the world. I stand as an apprentice – looking in, understanding the struggles, a third person – wondering if it is ever possible to gain autonomy in the way that Art should be. Why, indeed, should there be autonomy at all, if the removal of Art does not, and has never, make or made a difference in the actuality of a means-end relationship? The Road that cuts between Design and Art has never been the road that leads into Design and Art; you can bifurcate it by sheer power, but the Kantian aesthetic – Art can only be valuable when Art is useless – affirms the negating distance that you are always near, but yet so far behind. If passion, as what Matthew Arnold describes as the sweetness and lightness that prevails, can overwhelm the Kantian aesthetic, by all means, let Art be inflamed by passion. But Art is not always literal, in fact, it often tells a lie to reveal a truth. I stand by the Road, measuring the burden of lying and being truthful all at once. I am none, for I am a mortal, in the realm of the less aesthetic. Even Adam, as accorded by Mark Twain, was but human; he did not want the apple for apple’s sake, but because it was forbidden; the mistake made by Providence was that He did not forbid the serpent, for Adam would have eaten the serpent itself. Forbiddance is a powerful emotive. Before I can fabricate the words that bind, I’ve second-guessed myself, and rendered those words into my own iron hands of self-censorship. Kierkegaard, in his biblical allusions to the omnipresence of Fear and Trembling, says that we can never be in a both/and situation, only an either/or dichotomy. Maybe the deathless part of me will never cease to pursue the ‘both’ and the ‘and’; may Providence have mercy and grace for the next leg of my journey, on the road that cuts, but never leads.

Book Review: Wild at Heart

2007-04-26T23:42:00.000-07:00

Wild at Heart – Discovering the Secret of a Man’s Soul
By John Eldredge
(Nelson Books 2001, 222 pp)

This book is for young men, husbands and fathers who are seeking a biblical definition of masculinity. In a modern society where manhood is largely shaped by the demands of work, Eldredge invites men into a journey of their hearts that will help them to live a more purposeful life for God.

The book title – Wild at heart – suggests that the only way for a man to break out of his ‘Christian boredom’ is a return to his boyhood, when the desires of his heart were still untempered. In fact, those desires – to fight and make a difference for himself and others, to live an uncompromising life and not just ‘settle down’, and to be deeply passionate towards the woman he loves – are still within his heart. However, the devil has his strategies of scarring the heart through life’s crucibles. The challenge, therefore, is to counter those strategies to recover and discover his masculinity.

Society can get by with nice Christians, but increasingly it needs great ones – men with unusual courage and faith who can rise up to the spirited defense of the Church. This book compels the reader to live an extraordinary life for God.

(A book review which I've written for SJSM's Seasons of Life)

Thought of the Day: Depth

2007-04-26T09:42:00.000-07:00

"...The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working. Elijah was a man with a nature like ours, and he prayed fervently that it might not rain, and for three years and six months it did not rain on the earth." James 5:16-17

During today's special fellowship among a few church men, Elijah was mentioned from the book of James. Elijah was someone who went through tremendous highs and lows in his walk with God. There were days when his faithfulness to God was exceptionally strong, and by the same measure, there were days when his depressions were exceedingly great. I remember how sar once text me this verse 'the prayer of a righteous person has great powers as it is working'. Strange that I actually remember the context of why the text was sent. But anyway, although I understand that verse, I have never read the verse in relations to the prayerfulness of Elijah. All of us, in one way or another, are like Elijah, as we all have great and bad days in our walk with God. In fact, James says that Elijah has 'a nature like ours'. But I think it is encouraging that James seems to suggest that righteousness is attributed to Elijah not by who he is, but what Christ has already done - and it is a righteousness that is 'powerful' and is 'working'. I find it hard to understand how I am righteous, on days when I feel a sense of total depravity. But I need to trust in Him, that He yearns to mould me to be a person of great character more than I yearn to do so myself. "The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working". A powerful verse indeed.

Thought of the Day: Wisdom

2007-04-20T18:59:00.000-07:00

For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith - that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Ephesian 3:14-19

What do I value more, the knowledge of this world by spending a few years abroad to get a PHD, or the wisdom of God that comes by a daily communion with Him? Sometimes, I think it is also a mixture of pride, escapism and insecurity that is motivating me to get a PHD in the future. Do I have enough faith in God that His wisdom (which surpasses knowledge) is Sufficient for me to counter all the deceptive ideologies of this world? And that His impartation of wisdom will allow me to live a life that is more fulfilling than what a PHD might lead me to? I'm just thinking in broad strokes what I hope to be in say 10 years down the road. There is always that bit of desire in me to be a missionary when I'm 40 and beyond, hopefully doing it together with a new family, and counting on God to provide daily manna. Such a vision seems quite beyond the horizon now, but I think it matters enough if I am planning to get a PHD within the next 5 to 7 years. Hmmm...

Thought of the Day: Forgiveness

2007-04-18T22:55:00.000-07:00

"And when you pray, do not heap up empty phrases as the Gentiles do, for they think that they will be heard for their many words. Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him. Pray then like this...

... Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

For if you forgive others their trepasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trepasses, neither will your Father forgive your trepasses" Matthew 6: 7 - 14

Have I been giving God empty words in my prayers? Have I forgiven others who have hurt me unintentionally or intentionally in the past? What does it mean to forgive in words, in deeds, in thoughts and in my overall spiritual disposition towards the 'debtor'? Is my lack of communication towards that person or persons a reflection of an inward unforgiving spirit even though I have forgiven them in words? Are my prayers empty in that sense? And what does it mean when my Father is unable to forgive me because of my unforgiving spirit? I'll think about it more, internalize it, and write about it in the next few days.

Thought of the Day: Thanksgiving

2007-04-17T08:58:00.000-07:00

I thank God for the following:

1) That I have a bed to sleep.
2) Despite my inconsistency in committing to church activities, God has provided me with various opportunities to keep up with mentoring ains and sheng.
3) That He has provided me with friends - sarah, dan, jess, chel, huanyang, june, weiliang, steve, di etc etc - who care to look beyond my incapacity to have small talks with people in general.
4) That He has given me certain spritual giftings even though I am struggling in my faith at this point in time; last week's worship leading, the recently concluded gender-based ministry and yesterday's cell word leading were done not by my strength, but by God's wisdom.
5) That I can see hope and meaning in friends - especially the Dierdens, ailing, little sophie and James - and in myself, even when I really honestly feel that this world is quite meaningless.
6) That I can always constantly come back to Him and ask for forgiveness for my pride and various other struggles, that I do feel vindicated on nights when I pray and seek Him earnestly.
7) That although I have slackened somewhat in my attitude towards schoolwork in year 4, He has provided my with timely interventions and divine motivations to go through an otherwise static and non-critical political education.
8) That He has not given up hope on me, and continue to bring friends to remind me that I'm ok, and that one day, I may in my own humble way glorify God through my giftings.
9) That although mom and dad are somewhere out there in the spiritual wilderness, He has given me a glimmer of a vision that they might be saved one day.
10) That it is ok even if my friend would leave my horizon one day, because I cannot ask for anything more than what He has already blessed me with - a good friendship.

Rebirth

2007-04-10T09:44:00.000-07:00

The author has not found the right spatio text,
and so this space continues to reinvent itself.
Time is now compressed, for space has ceased to render meaning.
It is now impossible to examine the interstices of his life... and others.
Flashbacks!
He weeps.
For Joy has finally arrived, at the cost of his life.